What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 08:37
I was seconnd youngest,
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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I could never make a relationship work though!
As i do to all so called friends.?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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I will be 64.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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We were not on the streets..
Ive learnt so much.
This is soul school!.
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I don,t even have a pension.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I said to her
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And i lived it daily.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She was in good health!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She married twice! .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I have no regrets .
Was to survive, this bastard.
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Why did i forgive my father ?
(And it was in our own minds.)
I think the readers, may guess!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We all went to grammer schools
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I waited trembling.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
So whats the point in blame.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My life is so biszare .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was 9 years of age.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Comes on , in middle age.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
When she asked me how she looked .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One cannot live in the past .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im still living with it.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He knew the spot.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She wouldn,t have been !
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
All the time i was locked up.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My family never makes their pension either.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Would this be the day?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
So, i spoilt her more .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I write beautiful poetry .
I was very sick at this time too.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She found it foreign!.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But it wasn’t much.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was scared of men, in general
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Who then, do I blame.?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But, we were locked up after school.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She loved him until the end.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
It was going to be , some day.
Put me off passion for life!!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
What did i know ?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.